I tried for a baby for 15 years with no luck – at 40, I gave up

Like Lena, I’ve experienced unsuccessful IVF too, and I used to say similar things about age and children: I gave myself a deadline for when I’d have a baby.

But now, I’m four years past this point and though I wanted to become a mother, I’m glad I set a limit on when I’d stop trying.

I married my husband, Bill, now 41, young: I was 21 and he was 19, and babies were always something we’d get around to later. At that time, we were busy having fun.

‘As long as we have them before I’m 40,’ I’d say.  

I knew I wanted children in the future, and it never occurred to me that I’d have any issues conceiving. 

However, when it became apparent I’d need help getting pregnant I decided I’d put a deadline of aged 40 before we stopped trying.

I felt 40 would be too old to have a child as I couldn’t imagine having children at home when I retired. That’s when you start living your life again right?

We started when I was 25 and sought help after a year. I was referred to the hospital for tests where I had a scan to check my ovaries and found no issues.

I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility and put on the fertility boosting drug Clomid. After six rounds of treatment and still no pregnancy I was then put on the waiting list for IVF.

I’d seen other women put their whole lives on hold, and having a baby was their whole life. If IVF didn’t work, I decided, I wanted to start living mine.

Bill was in the Army, and we moved a lot. Just as we got to the top of the NHS waiting list, we’d have to up sticks. This happened twice.

Each NHS trust has different criteria, and it was so stressful. One clinic wouldn’t treat me as I was five lbs over the ideal weight.

As a size 12 woman, at the age of 28, being told you are ‘too overweight’ for IVF was devastating.

We’d been trying for three years, and I was keeping fit and healthy by weightlifting, but rules were rules. 

My friends were all cooing over their babies, and I couldn’t face seeing happy mums when I was being told I couldn’t have help. 

So, we went private. I travelled 200 miles from Plymouth to Northampton, several times a week and spent over £15,000 on treatment in total. The fertility drugs made me emotional one minute and angry the next, but each time, my period arrived bang on time. 

After three unsuccessful attempts and a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, there was no medical reason why I couldn’t conceive naturally so we kept trying until I reached my deadline of 40.

You hear stories about miracle babies that come when you least expect it, surely it could happen to me? I thought. 

Each month I’d try to feel hopeful, but it was hard to stay positive. As I got closer to 40, the glimmer started to fade.

I threw myself into my work as a carer for adults with learning difficulties, regularly worked out and made sure I had a good diet.  

The biological ticking was becoming increasingly louder, meanwhile my friends and family were married and already had one or two children. I felt left behind. 

My friends would look so guilty as they shared their baby news, while some wouldn’t even tell me they were expecting. 

After over 13 years of disappointment, things were looking bleak. I questioned my purpose in life and felt like a failure as a woman the closer I got to the big 4-0. 

But on the day of my birthday, I didn’t even think about the deadline. I’d removed to my dream home in the countryside and was busy throwing myself into making it my own. 

Now, as I approach 44, I’m tinged with sadness as I never had the opportunity to be a mother. 

But the world has changed so much that I think I would have spent my senior years worrying about their future on our changing planet. I’ve come to terms with it and embraced the opportunities that come with being childless.

I’m very pragmatic about my situation and believe in looking forwards and not dwelling on the past. 

My husband and I can make last-minute plans without thinking about putting a child first, plus we have lots of nieces and nephews that we love to spend time with.

After the deadline passed, I realised I could mope around, or I could focus on another purpose. I chose the latter. 

Focusing on my career, I set up a dog walking business so my dog Bailey could be with me all the time on this new venture.

Then, as he grew older, I set up a luxury dog hamper business so I could be at home with him. It was only fair as he’d been such a support throughout my IVF journey. 

He’d rest his head on my lap when I was upset and gave me a reason to get up and get dressed in the morning. He probably saved me from slipping into depression. 

Giving him a role as my treat tester in his twilight years was my thank you.

Sadly, he passed in 2020 but I now have two beautiful dogs, Arthur and Bertie, who are like my children. I spend all my time with them as I work from home and have the freedom to pick and choose my hours. 

If I want to take a spontaneous break away, I can, which wouldn’t be possible if I had a child in school. 

Setting a baby deadline was the best thing I did, and I would encourage other women to do it too. 

It was essential for my mental health to have a cut-off date – to draw a line under that chapter and move forward. 

As for the future, I’m planning my next adventure and enjoying life with my husband and our little fur family.