Big Bird got vaccinated, and there was one side effect: Ted Cruz’s skull exploded.
This was not shocking. The U.S. senator from Texas — or Cancun, depending on the weather in Texas — must have TNT lodged between his ears. His head produces more forced detonations each year than China’s Zijin Mining Group.
It all started this weekend. That’s when Big Bird tweeted: “I got the COVID-19 vaccine today! My wing is feeling a little sore, but it’ll give my body an extra protective boost that keeps me and others healthy …”
Big Bird might as well have posted a video in which he’s reading “Das Kapital” to Antifa guerrillas as Bill Gates and Dr. Anthony Fauci inject everyone with 5G tracking devices that magnetize Elmo as the ghost of JFK Jr. arm wrestles George Soros.
It didn’t take long for Ted’s cranium to go kaboom.
He replied to the eight-foot-two fictional character’s tweet as if Big Bird was AOC in a feathered costume: “Government propaganda … for your 5 year old!”
I will never stop rolling my eyes at politicians who suckle on the taxpayer teat and are performatively anti-government. It’s like a librarian who is anti-Dewey Decimal or a Panda Express cook who is philosophically opposed to Kung Pao Chicken.
I honestly have no clue what Cruz does, beyond trying to start Twitter feuds with celebrities and now, sigh, Muppets. But if Cruz was even five per cent as brilliant as he believes, he’d realize his meatless beef with Big Bird makes him the turkey.
“Sesame Street” has been championing public health, including inoculations, since Cruz was in Pampers and shooting his toy Smith & Wesson.
In a 1972 episode, Big Bird stumbles upon a line of kids waiting to get shots in a makeshift clinic. A sign reads: “Don’t Wait — Vaccinate.” The message was clear.
More importantly, the blowback was zero.
Four years later, Big Bird and “Sesame Street” took part in an immunization campaign to encourage children to get vaccinated against diseases such as measles, rubella, polio, tetanus, whooping cough and diphtheria.
You have those vaccines. I have those vaccines. Ted Cruz has those vaccines.
But that some of those diseases have made comebacks in recent years tells you why we need more Ernie and Bert and less Marjorie Taylor Greene. In the ’80s, when he wasn’t annoying Snuffleupagus, Big Bird was practically an honorary surgeon general, spreading the same medical and scientific messages Cruz now deems “propaganda.”
In 1996, a segment titled “Big Bird Gets Birdy Pox” was created to “reassure youngsters that illnesses can be endured and cured.” Three years later, Big Bird and his anthropomorphic pals created PSA videos on the appropriate use of antibiotics, long before superbugs such as MRSA were a concern.
To “Sesame Street,” pediatric health is as fundamental as letters and numbers.
Big Bird has spent a half-century trying to keep kids from getting sick.
Meanwhile, Ted Cruz is still brought to you by the letter “J” — as in jackass.
On Sunday, he tweeted a GIF of the beloved “Sesame Street” fowl kicking down a door with the caption: “Big Bird coming over to vaccinate your kids.”
This might have been mildly amusing if the world wasn’t trying to wiggle free from a once-in-a-generation pandemic. But Cruz doesn’t care about containing contagious microbes before they mutate — it’s all about scoring cheap political points.
Is he vaccinated? Gosh, yes. But much like the opinion slingers on Fox News, Cruz doesn’t want to talk about his own desire to be protected from a virus that has killed more than five million people. My guess is his loved ones are also vaccinated, as are Tucker Carlson and his loved ones, Sean Hannity and his loved ones, Laura Ingraham and her loved ones, and so forth. Is this trend not as conspicuous as Big Bird in a G-string?
There are now way too many conservative blowhards in office and the media who, while secretly vaccinated themselves, are monetizing the anti-vax rapids. Cruz wants his gullible riff-raff to believe Big Bird is a canary agent in the Deep State on an anti-freedom crusade to promote the evil jab — a safe and effective way to not, you know, die. It’s why Cruz was presumably vaccinated — to stay alive.
And what is he doing with his immunity? This jackass is using it to feud with Big Bird.
As the COVID-19 hospitalization and fatality rates in counties that voted for the former U.S. president continue to outpace the counties that voted for Joe Biden in 2020 by about 3-1, a sad reckoning is on the horizon.
At some point, as the unvaccinated are disproportionately represented in ERs and morgues, those close to them will realize they were doomed by GOP charlatans, grifters and intellectually dishonest rabble rousers for whom there is no known vaccine.
These people will feel like what Ted Cruz clearly believes them to be: suckers.
How or why things like masks and vaccines and medical science itself became political hot potatoes during this pandemic is something future sociologists will need to sort out. But there is no question conspiracy theories deceive lesser minds into believing they are in the know when they are ultimately detached from reality.
Big Bird and Ted Cruz are both vaccinated.
Tellingly, only one wants everyone else to think this might be a mistake.
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