‘Psychopath’: Real Housewives’ feud explodes

The Housewives are still in Cairns for Jackie’s babymoon, and Janet’s really getting into the holiday spirit by flashing the good people of far-north Queensland:

The seven Housewives split up across three cars for a drive to a remote waterfall – which gives them all ample time to privately gossip about each other.

Janet has a captive audience in passengers Simone and Anjali, so she stirs the pot with a hypothetical question clearly aimed at her new rival Kyla: “What would you do if you thought someone was barefaced lying to you at all times?”

“Is it someone in our group?” asks Simone – a pretty redundant question on Real Housewives. Did she not read the welcome manual? It’s always someone in your group.

“Yes, of course it is – we wouldn’t be discussing them otherwise,” Janet stage whispers. Honestly, this woman should run a TAFE course in how to be a Real Housewife.

Janet insists she doesn’t want to have a public fight with Kyla about their issue and would rather approach her privately and sensitively. For a second, even I almost believe her.

Simone’s got her own issue to air: She claims Cherry approached a designer she works with, asking for some outfits she could wear on the Cairns holiday.

“Cherry’s gone and emailed a designer that I work with, without emailing me first,” she reveals. Wow. I’m reeling. This is the biggest Australian TV scandal since Cosima’s nodules.

By the time they arrive at the waterfall for lunch, everyone’s ready for a fight. Which is great – but could the show not have sprung for a closed set? They saunter down to the waterfall as slack-jawed tourists film their every move on their phones:

Before the real fights begin, there’s a top-shelf microaggresion from Anjali, who plasters on a big grin and slowly asks Noted Psychic Jackie “what her angels are telling her” like she’s humouring a four-year-old with an imaginary best friend.

Jackie doesn’t have to use her psychic powers to realise she’s being patronised.

Then all the issues discussed during their car rides start getting an airing. Janet announces she’s convinced Kyla is a fraud because, “I knew her 10 years ago and she’s very different now.”

Janet, 10 years ago we were all writing Facebook status updates in the third person and willingly listening to LMFAO. People change!

Simone then launches into her designer drama with Cherry, but it’s hard to pay attention as behind her, tourists clamber in and out of the water. Again, team, could we not have closed the waterfall for lunch?

Cherry’s very upset that Simone has accused her of “stealing her look” – because we all know Simone invented being a thin white blonde lady.

Cherry’s on the verge of tears. She complains that arguing over a fashion designer is “shallow” (doll, this is Real Housewives, not Q&A).

She declares that she’s “humiliated” – and she’s off. Ladies and gentleman, we have a walk-off! Maybe she can scab a lift home with one of the tourists?

Kyla follows after her and it all seems a bit messy: They’re holding each other up, kissing, declaring that they love each other and everyone else can get stuffed.

Honestly girls, you do not know how good you have it: I want to be day-drunk and emotional under a Queensland waterfall!

It would be remiss of me not to mention Gamble, who sits wordlessly throughout lunch, observing each of these mounting dramas and looking deeply, deeply confused.

The next day, the ladies split off into two groups for two very different activities: Shopping and cane toad racing. Gamble’s opted for toad racing – and insists she’ll be a natural, because she’s “blown so many toads up the bum.” I was still recovering from the Pomeranian bath …

Shopping with Anjali and Cherry, Kyla stirs the pot by revealing that the previous night in her hotel room, she overheard Jackie and Janet on the balcony next to her room, gossiping about them all – specifically, what they’d worn to yesterday’s lunch.

Cherry’s instantly upset again: “Not about the hat? Are you serious? Oh my lord …”

The hat in question:

That evening, before a group dinner, Simone and Cherry meet for a drink one-on-one to hash out DesignerGate.

Simone starts with a (slightly patronising) peace offering: She tells Cherry that if she ever does want to be connected with a fashion designer, she’d be happy to make the introduction. The intention seems genuine, but it can’t help coming off a little “I’ve noticed you buy your clothes from Big W, please let me help.”

Cherry’s not having it – and as she gets angry, she also suddenly gets a little cockney: “That’s so shallow. It doesn’t seem genuine, LUV.” She feels dangerously close to calling Simone “Geezer”.

It all devolves into a petty back-and-forth about whether Cherry has been following Simone’s Instagram account closely enough to ascertain which designers she works with. And they were worried about coming across as shallow!

They’re still mid-argument when the rest of the cast wander into the bar for dinner. As they take their seats, at first it’s all fun wine-fuelled girl talk – the ladies ask Anjali about her relationship history with men and women and she announces to the table that she’s “only quite recently started having orgasms with other people”.

Unfortunately she says this at the exact moment a poor waitress is reaching over to put a napkin in her lap for dinner:

Kyla ups the ante, revealing she once bedded her “hot, sexy” female hairdresser.

Gamble seems comically disgusted by this, going full Lady Bracknell: “A hairdresser? A HAIRDRESSER?”

Janet’s less convinced – she suspects this is another example of Kyla telling tall tales. Kyla suggests Janet air her issues, here at dinner in front of everyone, so she can publicly defend herself.

Janet throws out a couple of examples: Kyla says she’s been to Paris 18 times yet barely speaks any French. We all watched Emily in Paris – it happens!

Kyla says her ex cheated on her – but Janet reveals she called him to check that story (!!!) and he insists he didn’t (and that, it appears, was good enough for Detective Roach).

Janet’s really stuck on this Fake French thing, and Kyla’s protesting so hard you half-expect her to rise from the table and launch into a rousing rendition of Non, Je ne regrette rien.

Janet declares Kyla’s a “pathological liar.” Kyla says she’s “f**king pissed” by Janet’s “mean girl sh*t”.

Then JACKIE starts up, calling Kyla out for her claim she heard her gossiping about everyone out on her balcony the night before.

“It’s utter bullsh*t,” she bellows, and I can confirm that sober heavily pregnant Jackie is somehow about 20 per cent scarier than normal Jackie. She accuses Kyla of trying to turn the new and old cast members against each other.

“None of us ever said anything about your outfits or your hats – cos you know what? We don’t give a sh*t,” spits Janet.

The insults fly thick and fast between Janet and Kyla.

Anjali, unsure of how to de-escalate the situation, appears to try to physically carry Kyla out of the restaurant:

Janet’s really letting fly now, making a meal out of every insult. It’s pretty brutal: “You’ll never be on my level. You’re nothing. She’s just a lying piece of sh*t.”

Kyla storms out, labelling Janet a “f**king psychopath” as she leaves. Janet’s still yelling after her, calling her “disgusting”.

“For someone to just dismiss everything I’ve worked for – ‘That’s not real, you made that up’ – that’s so hurtful,” says Kyla, and she’s got a point. Now, say it again in French.

Next week: We’re still in Cairns. MORE ill-advised cultural day trips! MORE drunken dinners descending into chaos! And – what’s this? – KYLA WEARS A BERET TO DINNER. Douze points, Kyla.

The Real Housewives of Melbourne airs 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena channel. In the meantime, talk all things #RHOMelbourne with recapper and 19-time Paris visitor Nick Bond on Twitter.

Originally published as Real Housewives of Melbourne season 5 episode 4 recap: A simmering feud explodes