I can’t afford to go on my friend’s £600 hen do – what do I do?

With wedding season underway, Metro.co.uk has roped in Alison Rios McCrone, venue owner and planner, to help solve your dilemmas in a weekly agony aunt column…

Dear Alison,

I have been invited on a hen do that is way out of my budget and I don’t know what to do. The bridesmaids of my close friend – who I have known loosely for years – are big earners and planned a three day hen, abroad, which I can’t possibly afford.

Dear Sally,

Attending weddings can be expensive, especially if you have been invited to the hen do too.

This definitely sounds like a higher budget one, but there are a number of ways to approach this situation – don’t assume you won’t be able to go.

Before you make any decisions, take a look at your finances. How much can you realistically afford to spend on the hen do – and how much do you actually want to spend? Consider what you can pay for in advance, how much you can put aside between now and then, and how much cash you’ll need for the party.

Set a clear budget so you can make sure you’re operating within your means.

If you know that this will not be enough to cover your time away, speak to the bridesmaids. Express your excitement about their plans but also be open about your worries about the costs.

Be polite and explain your financial limitations. I know it can be awkward to talk about money but it’s good that they know the costs of their plans are prohibitive to you and perhaps some of the other invitees.

Before going to the bridesmaids, you could contact other people attending the hen do. You may be one of many facing budget constraints, especially with the current economic crisis.

If there are a few of you in similar situations, you could talk about sharing expenses, including accommodation and transport.

After your conversation, the bridesmaids may be able to offer alternatives or adapt the current arrangements to suit your budget. They could provide options for cheaper accommodation and activities. Something you could ask is if it is necessary to buy new black clothing if you already have some.

Even if they are immovable, there is still hope. Can you attend for just one day, rather than all three? Is there another flight you can take on a cheaper airline or at a different time? Is there somewhere cheaper you can stay nearby?

If none of that is workable though, and you feel like you have no choice but to bail, you should speak to the bride.

You don’t have to go into specifics of what you can’t afford – as it’s likely much of it will be a surprise to her – but share your financial concerns.

Explain you want to be there for her and to support her at this particular time in her life, but the expenses are way beyond your means. True friends will understand and appreciate your honesty.

To show your commitment to her, you could organise something for you and her – or some of your close mutual friends – to do in the UK.

A spa day, fun day out, afternoon tea, or a themed dinner party with the girls could be a nice, more affordable alternative.

Another option is to send her a personalised gift and letter, to show you love and are thinking of her. This will mean a lot.

I’m sure, as a close friend, you will be on hand to support her anyway, but make a concerted effort to help her with planning the wedding.

The bride may have several DIY projects she wants to make for her wedding and you could bring round a bottle of wine to share as you help her with these.

Time, support, and assistance are just as valuable to a bride as you being at her hen.

It is more important to create beautiful memories for the bride rather than feeling you would miss out or break the bank trying to attend an overseas hen do.

Your friend will appreciate your honesty and efforts to be there for her in other ways than financially.

Whatever your decision, it should be based on what feels suitable for you and your financial situation.

Best wishes

Alison

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