Why he’s ghosting you

If you’ve been on the dapps (dating apps) at all over the last five years, you’ve probably experienced what has become known as The Great Haunting.

OK, I made that one up, but honestly, it’s true.

Ghosting is rife in the modern dating world where you’re expected to have multiple plates (read: suitors) spinning and always “play it cool”. God forbid you need to remove one of them from your roster and actually need to have an adult discussion, Body + Soul reports.

That’s where the beauty of ‘ghosting’ comes in, because you can avoid all the awkwardness of explaining why that person is not your penguin.

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The only problem is, the person on the receiving end of the ghosting doesn’t know the switch has flicked in your mind and can often feel a mix of confusion and hurt when their moves are met with a blank wall of nothing, with no notice.

Speaking with many of my girlfriends who have been on the apps, they often decided to stop ghosting simply because they realised how horrible it was when it happened to them. One friend even has a go-to ‘let down text’ that she has since shared in the WhatsApp. Genius, I tell you.

However, we’re flipping the script today and hearing from a man about why he finally decided to stop doing the dirty and finally own up to the “I don’t like you back” discussion.

“I’m a polyamorous dating machine, which means I’m all about connecting with multiple people at the same time on emotional and sexual levels. The issue is, the more people I date, the more people I have to reject,” he told Men’s Health.

“During college, my primary way to end burgeoning relationships was a method I called the ‘peter-out’.”

Essentially, when messaged with a follow-up to a date you feign vague busyness and either ignore all further attempts at communication or continue to be the busiest person in the world until they get the message.

However, one moment changed it all for this man. A woman straight up messaged him to ask if he was into her.

“I took the out,” he said. “‘No, I’m not,’ I texted back. ‘That’s fine,’ she replied, ‘but I wish you had just told me because these last few weeks have been really sh**ty and confusing.’”

That was the moment the light bulb lit up.

“I feel better knowing that while they may be hurt in the moment, I’m saving them the pain and confusion that comes from prolonging the inevitable, and there’s some solace in that,” he said.

Also, because there’s always a self-serving part to every dating decision, telling it like it is has also helped make his life less complicated.

“Juggling texts from multiple people I wasn’t into took up way too much time and mental energy.”

Charming, we know.

From a woman’s perspective, this is all the more endorsement to be upfront in dating conversations and avoid the blasé “couldn’t-care-less” attitude that is relied upon these days. Seems you’ll get the answer you want if you ask it straight.

It’s also a little insight for all the people who may have ghosted others in the past. The easy way out might not actually be the best decision for either party.

Sounds like we all need to get better at ripping off the band aid.

This was first published by Body + Soul and is reproduced here with permission

Originally published as ‘Pain and confusion’: Why he’s ghosting you

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