‘Super Mario Bros.’ review: Lousy Nintendo movie goes down the drain

Before a recent screening of “The Super Mario Bros. Movie” began, a fan sitting in front of me donned his red Mario cap and beamed with excitement.

Ten minutes into the film, his hat came off and his enthusiasm came down. Because he realized that we were all, once again, actually watching “Intellectual Property The Movie.” 

For all its detailed worlds, like the Mushroom Kingdom and Jungle Kingdom, the Nintendo film is just another soulless ploy to sell us merchandise that doesn’t bother to disguise its creativity-starved greed. Mostly the movie comes off like a video game we’re unable to play. 

I’d much rather drive the race cars of Mario Kart at home than watch a dull CGI chase scene in an overlong kids flick. 

The mind-numbingly obvious story starts out in Brooklyn, where Mario (voiced by Chris Pratt) and Luigi (Charlie Day) work as plumbers.

It’s a realistic setting. I spot mustachioed guys wearing overalls in Williamsburg all the time.

But perhaps the boys would be better off selling artisan beard oil on Bedford, because they’re not very good with their socket wrenches. One bully calls the duo “Brooklyn’s favorite failures.”

Their cringy, “It’s-a me!” Italian accents, we learn, were briefly faked for a “Ghostbusters”-style commercial to hawk their struggling business. But in reality, they talk like normal, very boring dudes. And, rising to the occasion, Pratt and Day provide their characters with very boring voices.

While trying to fix a water main break downtown, the pair are sucked into a magic pipe and whisked to the world of Princess Peach (Anya Taylor-Joy), Bowser (Jack Black) and Toad (Keegan-Michael Key). It’s a kind of “The Lion, The Witch and the Nintendo” situation.

Mario winds up in Peach’s Mushroom Kingdom, while Luigi is plopped in the Dark Lands that Bowser lords over. Mario enlists the princess’ help to find his brother, and she asks him and Toad to protect her and her people from evil Bowser, who wants to get married to her. In New York, they’re talentless plumbers — here, they’re heroes.

All the characters make moronic comments that aren’t funny enough to be called jokes.

For instance, Bowser announces to the audience’s silence: “I am now the most powerful turtle in the world! Soon we will arrive at the Mushroom Kingdom!” 

And the princess isn’t exactly a MENSA candidate, either. “There’s a huge universe out there,” she says. “With a lot of galaxies.” 

On their predictable quest, they team up with Donkey Kong (Seth Rogen), drive on the rainbow road and use power-up cubes from the video games to give ‘em a boost. If you’re looking for a clever spin on anything, stay home and make a BBQ pizza.

Even the starry voice cast is a let-down. Pratt, Taylor-Joy, Key and Rogen sound blander than a telemarketer on a Tuesday. Black at least shows a glimmer of his tenacious self, but even he isn’t half as uproarious as he usually is.   

Toy and game films aren’t an abomination by nature. “Pokemon Detective Pikachu” was a fun take, and the first “Sonic the Hedgehog” was a solid adventure flick. “Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves,” out now, is hugely enjoyable.

But “Super Mario,” directed by Aaron Horvath and Michael Jelenic, is an ad to sell games and merch — nothing more. It’s not as horrible as “UglyDolls” or “Pixels” or “The Emoji Movie,” but that’s not the sort of compliment you can slap on a poster.

In short, “Super Mario Bros.” is da-da-da-duh-da-da — dumb!