Signs you’re people-pleasing in your relationship – and how to quit it

Healthy relationships are all about give and take. You each put equal amounts of effort in, and compromise is a word you both know quite well. 

But it’s all too easy for that natural give and take to become off-balance.

One person in the relationship might feel the need to sacrifice their needs for the other’s, to be the perfect partner, to do whatever is asked of them in an attempt to keep the relationship going.

This is people-pleasing: being so obessesed with keeping other people (your partner, in the case of romantic relationships) happy that your needs and wants fade into the background.

People-pleasing tendencies can happen for all sorts of reasons – a fear of abandonment, modelling behaviours off unhealthy relationships you see, or simply becoming settled in an unhealthy dynamic without really noticing.

But in case it wasn’t already clear, people pleasing does not make for a good relationship long-term, no matter how it may seem at first. Giving your all to your SO can leave you burnt out and resentful, while pushing the other person away. 

It can be tricky to recognise when you’re in the people-pleasing pattern in your relationship, so we spoke to Tracy Secombe, the author of From People Pleaser To Soul Pleaser, to break down some common signs – plus get her advice on how to break the habit.

Signs you’re people-pleasing in your relationship

Tracy says there are three common signals that indicate you might be a people-pleaser in your relationships:

• Feeling insecure. Worried that your partner might leave you, even when there is no history or evidence of it in this relationship.
• Jealousy. You may worry about the attention your partner receives from or gives to other people, afraid that they might stray.
• Overanalysing what your partner may have meant by their actions. For example, reading too much into not hearing from them or a reaction they give to another person’s social media post.

‘All these signs are a symptom of needing them to love you rather than enjoying the feeling of being in love because you are happy enough in your own skin and not dependent on it,’ Tracy tells Metro.co.uk.

Common ways people people-please in relationships

Ok so those are the signs that something’s not right, but how does people-pleasing actually show up in romantic relationships? 

Tracy points out that when you’re newly seeing someone, it’s standard to want to be ‘on your best behaviour to impress them’.

‘However, if you don’t relax a bit and start being yourself and showing your true colours, you can make a rod for your back and lose yourself in the relationship by not showing up as the real you,’ she explains.

‘For example, you may always watch the movies they like, eat the food they like and spend time with their friends when you would prefer to do other things at times.

‘Compromise is a healthy part of a relationship but often the balance can tip towards the other person in the case of the people-pleaser.

People-pleasers also rarely say what they mean for fear of upsetting the other person and ultimately losing them. 

This often stems from a fear of abandonment, which you may have developed from previous relationships. Tracy encourages you to explain this to your partner, which will only make you both closer.

Why people-pleasing is bad for your relationship

The irony of people-pleasing is that while it comes from an attempt to make your partner happy and your relationship great, it can actually turn things sour.  

People-pleasing takes up a lot of energy. Over time, this can lead to resentment of your partner, all while affecting your confidence.

‘You are doing what they want, but push down the frustration of not doing what you want to do,’ Tracy explains. ‘This can result in the breakdown of the relationship because your ongoing frustration will often manifest as outbursts of anger or blaming your partner.’

Even if you’re not blowing up at your partner, you will still end up drifting and feeling alone in the relationship. 

How to unlearn people-pleasing behaviours in your relationship

To help undo some of these behaviours, it helps to know where they come from. A lot of our behaviours in relationships become automatic/subconcous due to conditioning when (yep, you guessed it), you were a kid. 

You can absolutely replace those beliefs with new ones.

Tracy explains: ‘If you identify with the fear of abandonment, for example, it can be helpful to replace these thoughts with ones of safety, knowing that you will always be okay – with or without this person in your life. 

‘This doesn’t mean that you don’t prefer to stay together, it just means you can relax and know that no matter what happens, you will be fine.’

The whole ‘low self-confidence’ thing is a tricky one, but it’s important to try and stop obsessing about how you need ‘fixing’ and think about your positive attributes. 

And of course, your partner can’t help or understand if you don’t explain what’s going on. Tell them that you’re working on being more honest about what you need, and they’ll open up more in response. 

Tracy Secombe is a coach who specialises in helping people shift from people-pleasers to Soul Pleasers, and the author of From People Pleaser To Soul Pleaser.

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

MORE : Are you an at-work people-pleaser? Here are the signs – and how to stop

MORE : How to stop being a people-pleaser and reclaim your personal power

MORE : These are the top five ‘sex saviours’ for people in long-distance relationships