Opinion | Taylor Swift, a secret author? That’s an old rumour. We heard she’s coming to the Star …

The book is slugged “4C Untitled Flatiron Nonfiction Summer 2023.”

To be released July 9, it will be 544 pages. Those are the only facts in this column. So maybe stop reading and go listen to “Last Kiss.” But if you get that reference, you’ve probably already bought “4C,” which is burning up the preorder charts.

Confused? Me too.

Despite not having a listed title, author or synopsis, Taylor Swift fans believe they have cracked this springtime publishing mystery. They claim the upcoming book, making cameos on Top 10 lists everywhere, was secretly written by their goddess, who is dropping cryptic clues and tantalizing Easter eggs.

So her fans are now clicking “buy” like rats in a Skinner box.

Amazon has already sprinkled its “No. 1 Best Seller” pixie dust.

It started this month when Ms. Swift tweeted: “It fills me with such pride and joy to announce that my version of Speak Now will be out July 7 (just in time for July 9, iykyk (evil laugh emoji) …”

My daughters inform me “iykyk” means “if you know, you know.” I did not know. But if the release date is July 7, wondered the Sherlock Swifties, what’s this about July 9? That’s the publication date of “4C.” Coincidence? The conspiracy theory then got doused with accelerant by Ms. Swift: “Thanks to you, dear reader, it finally will be.”

Dear reader? For a music album?

Variety reported this week on an “unconfirmed pitch” leaked to social media, in which a sales rep allegedly told sellers a confidentiality contract must be signed before receiving advance copies of the book. The rep, citing “global appeal,” also compared the mysterious book to recent memoirs by Matthew Perry and Prince Harry.

I look forward to Harry’s followup: “What The Hell Was I Thinking?”

Anyway, this unknown book will have a first run of one million copies. That’s huge. And it rules out any possibility the big reveal will be, “I Pity the Fool!” by Mr. T.

The Swifties turned to numerology. Flatiron, an imprint of Macmillan, said details — including author and title — will be released June 13. Hang on. Isn’t 13 T-Swizzle’s lucky number? If you add up 544 pages, oh sweet Moses, 5 plus 4 plus 4 equals 13. July 9 is a Sunday, an odd day for a global book release. But in “You Are in Love,” Swift sang: “Morning, his place / Burnt toast, Sunday / You keep his shirt / He keeps his word.”

Books are made up of words!

Preorder, preorder, preorder!

My favourite stories are nonstories. As a proud merchant of fluff, the fluffiness of this weird tale warms my heart. Swifties, who presumably do not blow a lot of disposable income on Tolstoy, Dickens or Joyce, are happily buying books. Well, one book.

That Variety reports was absolutely not written by Taylor Swift.

Whatever. Stop being a wet blanket, Variety. If the Swifties can catapult an unknown tome into bestseller territory during an economic downturn, there is a glimmer of hope for all of us in this godforsaken business of letters.

We just need to weaponize Taylor Swift.

As I wrote many moons ago, this is her world and we just live in it. If she ever decided to sell branded turnips, there would be no regular turnips left for anyone over the age of 25. Ms. Swift could bring back the Pet Rock and hula hoops by Sunday. If she started wearing mismatched socks, millions would copy.

Her fans are turning an unknown book into a premature bestseller simply because they suspect she wrote it. This is gold for all ink-stained wretches.

Swifties, lean in close. I’m not authorized to tell you this. I could get fired. But I love and fear you. I heard a rumour, from sources in the upper echelons of Torstar, that Taylor will soon be writing a column for us.

It will begin on July 13 and run on the 13th day of every month for 1,313 consecutive months. It will be about cats. Sometimes, it will be about chicken tenders. Or leggings. Taylor might guest one day for Ellie or Lisi Tesher. Do you suspect your boyfriend dresses up as Batman before sleeping with your seamstress? Now is the time to send in your letter. He should not be doing this.

In an upcoming episode of Kevin Donovan’s riveting “The Billionaire Murders” podcast, I also heard Swift will solve the case. Seriously. She knows what happened and will spill. She will also be columnizing on the Jays, jetting to war zones and will mastermind a new Tay-Tay Crossword. All the clues will zig or zag diagonally, instead of going up, down, sideways. Spelling is optional.

I feel sorry for the author of “4C Untitled Flatiron Nonfiction Summer 2023.” I also feel sorry for the booksellers who will be clocking overtime with refunds next month.

But the publishing world just got a crash course in the power of Swifties.

As Variety reported: “Yet all these things are apparent coincidences, as (Swift) is not gearing up to release a memoir almost simultaneously with her next album and smack in the middle of a national stadium tour …”

Don’t be disappointed, Swifties. No, she did not write the upcoming book.

But there is no proof she is not coming to the Toronto Star.

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