‘Mum revealed she had an affair – I’m not my dad’s child’

They say the truth will always come out in the end, and that’s the case for this week’s reader.

She was 18-years-old when her mum confessed to having an affair lasting six years. Not only that, but our reader discovered that she was a product it, and her dad isn’t her biological father.

Now, she’s trying to come to terms with this bombshell – and says it’s eating her up inside. Should she forget about it? Or start asking the many, many questions she wants answers for?

Before you read on, check out last week’s dilemma, where a husband feels he’s being blamed for his wife’s affair.

Problem…

This isn’t really a sex problem – but it is a problem that’s arisen due to an affair.

I’m nineteen-years-old and found out, just over a year ago, that I’m not really my dad’s biological child.

Mum finally left him when I reached 18, although they were unhappy for years.

She’s gone to live in Spain but before she went, she said: ‘I may as well tell you, you’re not really your father’s.’ It took me a while to understand what she meant, but when I asked: ‘You mean, I’m the result of an affair?’ she confirmed it.

She said she thought I was old enough to deal with the truth (which apparently, my ‘dad’ already knows.)

Mum proceeded to tell me how unsuited she and my ‘dad’ always been as a couple, and how she’d had a six-year-long affair, before her lover decided not to leave his wife.

She wouldn’t tell me the identity of my real father, as she said he has a family, and wouldn’t want to be contacted.

I still live at home and try to treat my ‘dad’ as normally as possible, but the whole situation is eating me up. There are so many unanswered questions about whether I have siblings, whether I look like my ‘real’ dad, and so on.

My boyfriend tells me to forget it, but I can’t. I wish my mum had never told me.

Laura says…

Sometimes sex leads to other problems, as it clearly has in this case. I passed this query to my colleague, family expert Dr Angharad Rudkin, to get her thoughts.

‘There is much debate about whether blood ties are more important than relational ties, but what’s clear is that the relationship you and your father have developed over your lifetime, and is one that is real and true.’ she says.

‘As he has always taken responsibility for you, talking to him about his feelings will help you assimilate this bombshell information and gain some reassurance.’

Dr Rudkin thinks opening up will help you process the news too.

‘You’re in a sad situation, not only coming to terms with all your mum has done, but also dealing with the fact that your dad is not your biological father,’ she says. ‘You may find yourself scanning crowds for someone who looks a bit like you, or seeing men your dad’s age and wondering if one of them is your genetic parent. This behaviour is normal and will diminish with time.’

Your boyfriend is trying to help by telling you to forget about it, but this issue needs working through, not sweeping under the carpet.

‘This news will have ripple effects for a long time, making you question your whole identity and even trust in others.’ says Dr Rudkin. ‘Be compassionate with yourself while you gradually reach an acceptance of the situation.’

Treasure the special relationship you’ll always have with the man who brought you up; he has been a father to you in ways that count far more than genetics.

Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist and co-author of What’s My Child Thinking and The Split Survival Kit.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk

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