Memo from Jack Frost: The snow is here and so are the bad drivers

Why does the first snowfall always feel like an unwanted surprise party?

After I was done writing about lettuce on Tuesday — yes, I know this job is ridiculous! — I staggered upstairs from my subterranean dungeon for a libation.

As I ambled into the kitchen, I stopped dead in my tracks.

If someone had snapped a photo of my face at that second, you would have assumed I was glancing out the patio doors at a unicorn juggling flaming chainsaws while puffing on a stogie. I actually blurted out, “What the hell.”

It was not a unicorn. It was just the first snowfall of 2022.

And my heart went out to those who try to keep our slick roads safe.

Every winter, after that sadistic psycho Jack Frost dumps his inaugural flurry on our city, PSA after PSA is issued about driving in the tundra elements. It’s odd. We don’t need a PSA about how sitting in lava might result in first-degree burns. We don’t need a PSA to remind us about umbrellas prior to a torrential downpour.

But when it comes to winter driving, it’s as if the summer cooks up mass amnesia and way too many brains need to be reprogrammed to remember that driving in the snow is very different from driving on bone-dry asphalt when the temp is above zero. We forget our vehicles can dangerously transform into runaway toboggans.

This year’s “Be Winter Ready” message comes from a coalition that includes the City of Toronto, OPP, Toronto Police, MTO and CAA. Wow. All that’s missing is Justin Trudeau in a toque and matching socks checking his winter tires.

I think we can agree this is an impressive coalition. All the heavy-hitters in the roadside safety game have joined forces like Marvel superheroes. Except …

I read the press release this week hoping the coalition would get to the icy heart of our winter driving woes. Instead, the milquetoast “less-practised tips” included “keep a fully stocked emergency kit,” “keep the gas tank at least half full at all times” and “keep your wiper fluid full.” Full has never seemed so empty.

To be fair, the coalition is focused on preparedness.

It needs to focus on the real problem: action.

If I worked for the coalition and wrote this week’s PSA, here are Six Winter Tips I would have offered prior to Jack Frost’s even bigger dump on Wednesday:

1. Clean the snow off your entire car prior to driving, including the roof, headlights and tail lights. Most of the paint should be visible before you pull out. Your vehicle should not resemble a mobile igloo with an eyehole.

2. Slow. The. Hell. Down. Early on Wednesday morning, I was shovelling and within 10 minutes three different cars revved toward the stop sign on my corner and skidded into the intersection. ABS is wonderful. But it’s not magic. Please respect the laws of physics as they apply to HEAVY OBJECTS MOVING IN ICY CONDITIONS.

3. Stop tailgating. Seriously, what is wrong with you? Neither of us can stop on a dime and I’m glancing in my rearview mirror as your grill is all up in my trunk. Why don’t you just drive your car on top of mine and I’ll take you where you need to go. We’d both be much safer.

4. Don’t accelerate into a turn. The light changed and you’re going left. But you juiced the accelerator and now you’re fishtailing into a 360 as pedestrians scream and scatter. Winter driving is an Aesop fable: Be the tortoise, not the hare.

5. Mothball the road rage. Is there anything more aggravating than an impatient and wildly reckless lunatic weaving 4,000 pounds of steel and glass in and out of lanes as everyone else is hyper aware the street is a black ice hellscape worthy of Monet’s “The Magpie”? Calm down or take the TTC!

6. Build in extra time. Yes, in June, you can dash into the office in 15 minutes flat and be on time for that PowerPoint on foreign investment. But in January, during a blizzard, you might need to recalculate the tick-tock parameters of your commute. Panicked rush-driving in the snow is as insane as bungee jumping without the bungee. And it’s better to be late than to end up in a fender-bender or head-on collision with an oncoming snowplow that’s also behind schedule.

On Wednesday morning, CP24 ran a story about the messy commute.

As the OPP’s Kerry Schmidt told the outlet: “It’s still snowing, it’s still wet. You’re gonna have to slow way down and give yourself lots of distance. It’s not that complicated. But obviously we’ve had a lot of problems already.”

Yeah. But what’s not obvious is why we have the same driving problems every winter. Why does Jack Frost turn so many drivers into irresponsible maniacs?

Slow down, leave a safe distance, be mindful of the conditions.

It’s not that complicated.

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