If you don’t think having a kid is going to change your life, you’re in denial

There is one phrase I hear from expectant parents that never fails to make me smile, and – to a slightly lesser extent – want to scream.

‘Having a baby isn’t going to change my life.’ Friends say it, relatives, even celebrities.

After having two children of my own – Theo, five, and Immy, three – I know now that such a sentiment, however flippantly said or naively announced, is nigh-on impossible.

However, when I was pregnant with Theo, I was blissfully unaware of just how much he was going to turn my life upside down, albeit in the best way possible. Yes, I knew life would be different but nothing could have prepared me for just how different. 

Before you have a baby, other parents will tell you about the sleepless nights, but it is only when you’re knee-deep in your fifth month of having no more than an hour and a half of shut-eye a night, that you will realise the total and utter exhaustion babies bring.

The absolute effort it takes, against every impulse inside you, to peel open your eyes and force yourself out of bed to answer their cries.

They’ll tell you about how you’ll experience a love like no other, more encompassing and overwhelming than any other emotion you’ve ever felt before, but it’s not until you find yourself staring at your sleeping little bundle, drinking in every curve of their cheek and marvelling at the raise of their beautifully pouty upper lip, that you know that that simple word ‘love’ barely covers the feelings you’re now experiencing.

They’ll tell you about the mum guilt you’ll experience about every single thing you do, whether that be for them or for yourself.

But until you’re handing your little one over to a member of the nursery staff as they’re shaking with sobs and holding their gorgeously chubby arms out for you and you’re trying desperately to get out of the building before bursting into tears yourself, you will never know just how gut-wrenchingly real that mum guilt – that concept you once laughed about and swore was just for the most paranoid of parents – is.

Because babies change everything about you. Your whole identity – your whole being – shifts in the split-second your little one is handed over to you.

Yes, you may still go out with friends, but you will probably find yourself arranging to meet them an hour later, so you can still enjoy bath time beforehand. Or if you don’t, you’ll spend the journey there feeling guilty that you missed bedtime.

And even if you manage to leave after your baby is asleep, you’ll still likely find yourself sending surreptitious texts to your partner to ensure that yes, everything is OK and no, they don’t need you to come home.

Yes, you may still want to dedicate yourself to your career but, although it will often be a welcome break from the relentless responsibility of being a parent, chances are you will spend your last half-hour clock-watching to ensure you’re not late in picking up your little one from nursery.

There’s an even higher chance you will find yourself leaving work in the middle of the day, apologising profusely – especially in the first six months or so of going back – when your child’s key worker calls to inform you they have yet another temperature and you have to pick them up in the next hour.

Yes, you may still want, at the very least, to have some time for yourself and your partner. However, unless you have an extremely generous support network around you or you have an extremely well-paying job, you will probably find that your date nights dwindle to nothing.

I remember a manager at work explaining to me that an evening trip to the cinema was now a rare luxury for him and his wife – and once I’d discovered the price of babysitters, I could understand why.

And the thing is, for the vast majority of the time, you will gladly embrace these changes to your life. Because although your 21-year-old self may well roll their eyes at the idea of leaving work without going for a drink afterwards, or an empty diary for weeks on end, babies are worth every single night slumped in front of Netflix.

They are incredible, wonderful, awesome beings that every parent is blessed to have.  

And if you genuinely don’t want your life to change? Maybe… don’t have a baby.

Because what people still tend to forget is that having a baby is an option, not an obligation. If you still want to live your life of late-night dancing and drinking or reaching for the next rung on your career ladder or living a life that is simply for you, go for it – they are all perfectly valid, completely fulfilling, rather amazing life choices.

Parenthood is just one path out of many that we can choose to follow and although it is still assumed to be one of life’s milestones – like going to university, buying a house and getting married – no one should ever feel like they have to do it, just because everyone else seems to be.  

Because having a child will change your life. Completely. And forever. And any expectant parent should be prepared for that.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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