I told my mother-in-law about my son’s autism diagnosis – she ignored us

Sitting beside me on the sofa, my husband read me the short message that he’d typed out to his mother.

If the recipient was a kind and loving grandparent, then most parents wouldn’t hesitate to tell them the news they’d been given about their child.

However, this was a woman who hadn’t seen her only grandchild in nearly two years.

We were both full of anxiety as we were either about to open up a can of worms by reaching out to her, or we were about to (hopefully) receive a kind response. 

We waited for a reply; minutes turned into hours and eventually it had been a week since my husband sent his mother a text.

We kept checking in, to see if she’d replied to the words that we couldn’t say aloud without getting tearful: ‘The paediatrician said he has autism’.

My mother-in-law has always been a cold, stern woman, and I always put our differences down to us being from different cultural backgrounds.

My husband explained his mother had never been the type to cuddle and show affection growing up.

And since leaving the family home in his 30s to pursue marriage with me, he’s had a strained relationship with his parents and siblings.

His family did not understand why it was not an arranged marriage like his parents’ was.

My husband’s family’s behaviour went from bad to worse the minute we got home from hospital with our newborn

At the start of our relationship we kept it very low key. We didn’t go out locally or post anything on social media as my husband wanted to tell his parents when the time was right; when we were ready to take the next step by moving in together.

This made me feel nervous and a little resentful when I watched friends openly enjoy relationships with their partners’ families.

I didn’t end up meeting them until we’d been together for five years and were engaged.

I recall my mother-in-law’s face being emotionless after we exchanged our vows on our wedding day. Sadly, I remember feeling full of anxiety and sadness as we signed our wedding book in front of her.

Still, my husband and I were thrilled when we fell pregnant with our son, one year later.

Except, when we told his parents the news, they didn’t really know what to say before giving us a stiff, forced hug.

We nervously got our ultrasound photo out and his mother barely even glanced at it. I had to hold my tears and disappointment in while standing there, feeling like a fool. My husband didn’t say much but I could see the disappointment and sadness on his face as we drove home.

My pregnancy progressed nicely, and most of it was spent during lockdown, so we didn’t see his parents until after the birth of our son.

My husband’s family’s behaviour went from bad to worse the minute we got home from hospital with our newborn.

I was taken aback to be told by my husband he’d received a text saying they’d be with us soon, despite not being invited.

I was sitting in bed, trying to establish breastfeeding while feeling very sore after a caesarean, and certainly not ready for any guests.

My baby was practically snatched away from me the minute they walked through my door. I was so shocked that I didn’t know what to say, and neither did my husband.

Our son was passed around like a toy as they took over my lounge, while I had to steady myself against the wall – visibly in pain from major surgery. Yet, they took no notice and continued to do as they pleased.

My husband and I were then told to visit on a weekly basis, which we found overwhelming and strange as we used to see them once a year – despite them living locally.

The visits were always exhausting, as his family would bark orders at us to help clean their kitchen after my mother-in-law would spend hours cooking meals.

My son would be taken away from me by my husband’s siblings, and they’d roll their eyes whenever I had to breastfeed him. After one particular visit, where a family member flew into a rage after I insisted they hand my son back, I ended up breaking down to my husband.

I told him that seeing his family behave so aggressively was giving me such anxiety that I could no longer visit his parents’ house.

My husband told his parents that the visits were too difficult for us, and that if they wanted to see their grandson, they’d need to come to us – alone.

It took months before my mother-in-law eventually agreed to come to our home and visit.

My husband ended up sharing about how the visits to their home left us both feeling exhausted and upset by everybody’s overbearing behaviour.

Initially, she agreed that our feelings were valid and visited once more for our son’s first birthday. We exchanged pleasantries but it was awkward to say the least. My mother in law kept looking at her watch and wouldn’t look at me; she would only speak when spoken to.

Then, the excuses came; the most ridiculous being the one they gave after not seeing our son for four months.

We had invited my in-laws to come along to choose our son’s first pair of shoes, as he started walking the day before.

My father-in-law declined to come and said he had to fix my sister-in-law’s extractor fan in her kitchen, despite him being retired and able to do this anytime.

I recall my mother-in-law’s face being emotionless after we exchanged our vows on our wedding day

This really upset me and made me feel sad for my son as I was so proud of him for walking at such a young age.

After repeatedly dodging invitations, my husband and I grew tired of the excuses and I decided to send her a message explaining that she’s either an active grandparent, or she isn’t involved at all.

It just wasn’t fair on our son.

Then, she contacted my husband to say that she was no longer going to be a part of our lives.

Although we were taken aback by her message, we believed that she’d reach out in a few months and ask to see her grandson. That she’d apologise.

Over the next year of absolutely no contact, I’d ask my husband if he wanted to extend an olive branch to his mother. He insisted that he didn’t as she clearly didn’t care about seeing her only grandchild.

Still, I found it bizarre she still texted my husband ‘happy birthday’ each year, yet never said a word about our son. It was like he didn’t exist. I found this to be incredibly strange and despicable behaviour.

I’d question myself and my own behaviour and often wonder if I had just kept my mouth shut, then maybe we’d have that village to raise our son with us.

As we pass the two year mark since we last saw her, and still have had no response to my husband’s message about our son’s autism, I feel nothing towards her now.

We both felt compelled to tell her in the hope it would make her want to see us. I can’t speak for my husband but I think for him it was more of a cry for help.

I feel no anger or sadness, just a twinge of disappointment when I see other toddlers playing in the park with their grandparents.

When my son is having an autistic meltdown, and I can’t meet his needs, I really feel the distance and crave that family support. My father passed away a couple of years ago and my mother still works full time so it’s difficult for her to help much. 

Sometimes, I feel jealous when I hear about my friends who enjoy weekends away with their husbands as they’ve got amazing in-laws to help them.

Whenever I play out these scenarios in my head, I get myself caught up in a ugly mood and it often causes tension between me and my husband. He doesn’t really know what to say or do.

It’s also a real shame as it’s now very apparent that we’ve been ostracised by my husband’s entire extended family, too – we’ve not heard anything from any of them since we became estranged from his parents.

Before this, there would’ve been weddings, birthdays, holidays, and picnics in the sun that we’d be invited to – but they’re now a thing of the past. Several family members have disappeared from my friends list on Facebook, too.

I find it shocking that his mother isn’t desperate to have a relationship with her grandchild as I can’t imagine not experiencing the joy of seeing my son become a parent himself one day.

I take comfort in the fact that, as a whole, we are a closer family and unbreakable. Me and my husband have a better relationship without them in our lives as we don’t have their negative input or toxic energy surrounding us every few months.

I don’t think I could let them back into our lives now as they are so set in their ways. I don’t think they’ll ever change or see the wrongdoing or pain they cause by behaving like this.

Overall, I feel that the decision to stop chasing my mother-in-law to be involved in her grandson’s life is best for us as a family.

Despite living a lonely life, it’s a peaceful one – full of genuine love.

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