I love to burn a bridge – cutting people out of my life is self-care

Sat with a pint and my best friend over Christmas, I casually admitted to being a pro-blocker on Facebook.

Unfriending people from school that I hadn’t seen in decades, had nothing in common with or simply just didn’t like. 

It wasn’t a big deal for me, I’d been doing it for years. 

But my friend’s reaction took me aback. ‘You love to burn a bridge,’ he laughed. 

Suddenly, I felt like my admission was something to be ashamed of.

At first, I was embarrassed – feeling my face flush red after I choked on my pint with surprise. I laughed it off, ashamed – desperate to change the topic. But on reflection, he was right. 

I do love to burn bridges. I’ve turned plenty of them to ash, and I don’t regret it.

Looking back, I would burn them all again. I’m not ashamed of it, and I don’t think it’s unhealthy. 

I block people. Unfriend them. Remove their existence from my life

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been told by friends, colleagues and family all sorts of nonsense phrases like ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’ or ‘don’t burn a bridge, you never know when you might need it again’. 

But I can’t think of a single situation where that has ever worked for me. Where I have ever ‘needed’ to walk back into a detrimental situation, or make contact with a problematic person, just because I thought it might bring me gains.

So, I block people. Unfriend them. Remove their existence from my life. 

A few years ago, when my ex-boyfriend got engaged and his pictures were plastered over Facebook, I unfriended him. Why? Well, we haven’t talked since he dumped me when we were 16 –  so we’re clearly not friends. There’s no ill will there, and I even found myself smiling at hazy memories of old – but I just didn’t care anymore.

When I left a group chat on the advice of a therapist, I felt sick at first. Seeing these ‘friends’ on Instagram afterwards made me feel even worse. So I deleted them all – and with it, I deleted the anxiety I’d associated with it as a result, too.

Truthfully, why would I waste my precious time and energy on people who don’t think about me twice – just because I might need them one day? That our imaginary paths could cross once more? It’s total, utter crap.

I can barely text my mam back, never mind keep tabs on my school bullies, cheating ex-boyfriends, toxic friends and rubbish bosses. 

It absolutely baffles me that people still do – even long after someone has wronged them, or if they simply just didn’t get on. 

If you think it’s petty that I’ve deleted the girl from school who made my life hell, or people I haven’t talked to in decades, go ahead – but I’ll be the first to say that you’ve got your priorities seriously wrong. 

People can be so precious about keeping contacts or connections, and keeping others happy, that they don’t put their own needs first. They spend energy on those who don’t see them as a priority – for those who don’t deserve their time – and spread themselves too thinly for those who matter. 

Why would I give a s**t that Sarah from school got married? That an ex-boyfriend is having a baby? Or that my old boss is hiring again? I honestly and truly could not care any less if my life depended on it.

I’ve had my fair share of awful ex-boyfriends and lovers; been part of toxic friendship groups, and at the will of moody, unpredictable bosses in anxiety-inducing work environments. I don’t want a constant reminder of the misery that they caused me on my timelines – in my safe spaces or circles.

To me, burning bridges is healthy. I’ve burnt more than I can count and I can safely say I’m better than ever for it.

If anything, I’d argue it’s one of the best forms of self-care.

It’s risky, sure – you could hurt someone’s feelings, and be inviting yourself into a difficult conversation in the future (like me, choking on my pint) – but you’ve recognised a situation that doesn’t suit you, or doesn’t fit your priorities, and you’ve removed yourself from it. You’ve cut it out because you know – at some point – future you is going to be better off for it.

If you think you will gain personally from telling the truth before cutting someone off, or ending a relationship then you should do so – in every instance. I have done this with people I once respected and loved as a friend, but most people simply didn’t deserve my time. And with every risk you take, you get stronger, more self-assured and more confident in yourself.

As for me now? I’m honestly in such a good headspace for being a bridge burner – despite the stigma attached to it.

I have a tight, fantastic, unreplicable group of friends. I trust them with my life, as we’ve chosen to be a significant part of each other’s. They’re the people I can rely on and depend on if I ever need them.

I might even go as far as to say that I’m in the best place mentally that I’ve ever been. 

I haven’t had a single moment where I’ve regretted it, or ‘needed’ someone as a contact or way to further my career, either. And why would I? 

Why would I ever expect anything rewarding or fulfilling from someone that doesn’t have my best interests at heart? Or want to be associated with someone like that?

I respect myself enough, and know the extent of my own self-worth; I know when someone isn’t healthy for me. It isn’t worth my time, patience or efforts – and that goes for both friendships, or working relationships. 

If a toxic work environment is making you seriously ill, quit. Burn that bridge. 

If a group chat makes you sick with anxiety every time you get a notification, leave it. Burn that bridge. 

If seeing a girl from school on Facebook who was cruel to you makes your chest tight, unfriend her. Burn that damn bridge. It’s free.

And if I see someone has cut me out of their lives? Good on them, I say.

Cutting people off who hurt you or you don’t have anything in common with anymore doesn’t make you a bad person, just someone with self-respect.

The path becomes clearer when you’re not overloaded with deadweight, trust me.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

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