When I was told by doctors about how testosterone would change my body, my emotions, maybe even my thoughts, my decision to go on it was unchanged.
I was doing this as part of my transition, and a list of side effects wasn’t about to stop me.
Frankly, a lot of them looked like added bonuses. More muscle mass and increased libido? I was already signed up, unaware that I’d soon transform into a frothing horndog.
Before I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT), I had read a lot about it.
Those resources made the second puberty I was about to embark on sound like it had reliable markers and timeframes. Facial hair growth between three and six months, and periods starting to become a thing of the past between two and six months.
I haven’t had much luck yet on the crimson tide, but the face fuzz and heightened sex drive certainly have big old ticks next to them now.
How I think about sex – and how often – has changed so much that sometimes I feel like a different person.
I’m now someone who actually casts their eye around the room wondering what objects they could use as an improvised sex toy.
It’s a strange new world. But strange is also exciting. Masturbation is fun and explorative for me in a way it never used to be.
I give more time to my own pleasure because my way of thinking about sex has subconsciously changed, along with my libido. The biggest adjustment is that I have found my pleasure has more worth to me now.
I also find that the chemical change in my body has made me want more control. Combined with assuming the power position in BDSM with my husband, taking time out to make myself feel good is pretty empowering.
And the change in my orgasms themselves only ups the ante. I was never too bothered before about being able to have multiple orgasms, but there’s now a more urgent, faster build-up to a punchier climax.
Even though it’s more difficult to experience multiples of my new orgasm, I find they’re increasingly moreish and chase after that ultimate release.
Another way I’m taking control is with clit pumping. A manual pump and cylinder creates a vacuum seal around the clitoris, engorges it and encourages long-term growth. I’m not talking anywhere close to six inches here, but even two would be enough to affirm my masculinity when I look in the mirror.
This act might seem small. But to me, it’s about making my body reflect how I’m changing inside by stimulating growth in a body part that culturally commands power.
Though I’m frustrated by the idea that having a penis equals dominance, it’s always in play when I imagine myself with something more recognisable as a ‘male’ sex organ.
Wearing a silicone prosthetic penis (or packer) provides that sense of confidence while I’m waiting for HRT and pumping to have more impact.
I’m now more attracted to the idea of having a metoidioplasty – a surgery that releases the clitoris from its surrounding tissue so, with the natural growth from testosterone, it looks more like a penis.
This new mindset has become important to my sex life as well as my identity.
Part of me feels I shouldn’t be writing about this for an audience. But that reluctance is in fact why I decided to buck up and get this down on the page.
With my growing self-confidence, I’m realising the validity of my sexual desire and gratification.
It’s a way I can care for myself, and how my partner can show caring for me.
Nothing about ours – or anyone else’s – sex lives are shameful, and if power dynamics play into that, then it’s a personal responsibility to keep it in balance outside the bedroom.
Pre-HRT, I wasn’t prepared to put aside the time for such a time-wasting thing as masturbation.
It was a functional solution to getting rid of distracting thoughts or to help me sleep. Now I reward myself with it, regularly making time for self-love after completing a difficult task or long-delayed chore.
It’s so refreshing to find pleasure in something that had become mundane to me before.
My newfound erotic confidence has become another part of myself I can love with a little less fear, and I look forward to feeling that way for a very long time.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
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