Bike sales down? Good – I’m sick of the two-wheeled Stasi

DURING the Covid lockdown, people behaved strangely. Some took up baking bread. Others made origami animals out of all the lavatory paper they’d bought.

And many spent their mornings in front of a laptop, watching a man called Joe Wicks wriggling around on the floor.

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Millions, however, did something absolutely idiotic. They went out and bought a bicycle.

This caused local councils up and down the country to go into a complete tizzy. Because as they looked at the sales figures, they got it into their heads that the car was dead and that all roads should immediately be converted into cycle lanes.

The Government was caught up in the madness too and rewrote the Highway Code, encouraging cyclists to pedal down the middle of the road and ordering motorists to just sit there and take it.

And guess what happened? Covid ended. 

People stopped watching Joe Wicks writhing about on the floor. They stopped baking bread and buying bog roll by the ton. And they sure as hell stopped buying bicycles.

Figures just out show that bike sales have fallen by 20 per cent and are now a quarter below where they were pre-Covid. What’s more, half of those who bought a bicycle during the pandemic say now that they never ride it. 

And as a result of all this the value of Halfords has plummeted by a staggering 60 per cent.

Surprised? Well I’m not, because cycling today is not a cheap and healthy alternative to taking the car. And nor is it a fun way for your children to get to school. No. It is a political statement, pure and simple. It’s anti-capitalism with handlebars.

Like Stasi never went away

It even comes with a sinister uniform. Black shorts over black tights, a lemon-green shirt and a surveillance camera on your head. It’s like the Stasi never went away.

In many major cities you get the impression that half the people on bicycles are not actually going anywhere. They’re just pedalling around to annoy people who’ve worked hard and bought themselves a car.

 They deliberately get in everyone’s way and if anyone becomes agitated, headcam footage of the incident is sent to social media and the Police.

And it’s not just car drivers, either. If you are doing a spot of window shopping and you accidentally inconvenience a member of the two-wheeled Stasi who’s coming down the pavement at 50mph in a blur of gristle and sweat, you’re going to learn some new swear words, that’s for sure.

Even other cyclists cop for the rage. I once rode through London at my usual speed — about one — and every other cyclist who overtook me let it be known that I was a c*** for getting in their way.

No normal person wants to be a part of such a bitter and sinister culture. And nor do they want to turn up at work wearing lycra trousers, or spend an hour every evening applying soothing lotions to their chaffed anus.

I can therefore see the demand for bicycles continuing to fall. Until we reach a point many years from now where archaeologists dig up our road network and wonder why on earth, in the early 21st century, we shut half of it down. 

Me thinks Carol doth protest too much

IN recent weeks, Carol Vorderman seems to have re-invented herself as a sort of anti-Tory, anti-sleaze warrior, and that’s fine. 

But she does seem to have become awfully shouty.

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Having not got her way in a debate about the menopause this week, she said she had been “absolutely disgusted” by the attitude of two lady MPs.

That’s a bit strong, because if you’re “absolutely disgusted” by someone who disagrees with you about the menopause, then how do you describe your feelings towards a Russian soldier who’s just lobbed a hand grenade into a school?

Surely, that would be “absolutely disgusting”. 

Whereas someone who doesn’t share your view in a debate is “mildly irritating”.

Capri a swell motor

EVERYONE was very excited to read this week that the Ford Capri is coming back. 

Well I’m sorry, but it isn’t.

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The Ford Capri was Europe’s answer to the Ford Mustang. A long nosed, short tailed, two-door sports coupe designed to make young men swell a bit.

Even today, I still hanker after an Essex engine 3000GT.

I am not, however, hankering after the new version, which is bound to be yet another mid-sized, mid-priced mini SUV electro-box.

Putting a Capri badge on it is daft. It’s like calling your house “Sea View” when you live in Northampton. 

A great name, but it just isn’t true.

I want to see a race

WE like to think that when the red lights go out at the beginning of a Formula One race, every single one of the drivers goes round every corner and down every straight as fast as is humanly and mechanically possible.

That’s what racing is all about, surely?

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It seems not. When Lewis Hamilton came up behind his team-mate, George Russell, above, in last weekend’s Saudi Grand Prix, George solved the problem by driving more quickly. Why didn’t he do that in the first place?

And then you had the Red Bulls. To stop them from doing any racing, each of the drivers was told to do the same speed as one another.

I know there are boring reasons for this, tyre wear and saving the engine and so on, but I wonder how many people would watch athletics if they thought half the competitors were not going as fast as they could. To prolong the life of their shoes. 

Top Gear has to be saved

THERE will of course be an inquiry into the appalling accident that has ended Freddie Flintoff’s spell as a host of Top Gear.

From what I can gather, it was absolutely horrific and it will take a very long time before he’s fully recovered. 

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So I can quite understand why he would choose to do something else in future.

I do hope, however, that my old mates who run the show can find a way of saving it.

 Because in these days of soft and cuddly eco-madness, we need programmes like it more than ever.

Bully’s had a bad rap

WHEN I take my Labradors for a walk in the woods, they spend the entire time charging around at 100mph chasing deer, muntjac, hares, rabbits, squirrels, pheasants and everything else they can find.

I could, and sometimes do, stand there giving it the full “Fenton” but it’s pointless really because they’re just being dogs. 

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And it’s not like they’re ever going to actually catch anything.

Which brings us on to the case of the American Bully dog that, as I write, is in the cells after onlookers said it attacked two police horses.

Now let’s be clear. The Bully is not some deranged attack dog that’s bred to eat children. It’s more like a British bulldog really. And it’s not like it was worrying livestock.

Yes, the horses emerged from the encounter with some cuts on their legs, but they’ll be fine. I hope the dog will be fine too, and released as soon as possible. Because all he’s guilty of really, is “being a dog”.

Should it have been running free in a London park? Maybe not. But I’m not sure the middle of London is the best place for a horse either.