Asking For A friend: How to ask your partner about opening up your relationship

Asking For A Friend is the series where we answer the questions that you’ve always wanted to ask.

Our views on monogamy, and what it means to be in a committed relationship, are changing.

In fact, research by Love Honey found that one in four Brits would consider trying an open relationship or another kind of polyamory at some point in their lives. It’s no surprise: these days, the dating pool is much wider, thanks to more accessible travel and, of course, the internet. 

The idea of an open relationship, or ethical non-monogamy – when two people in a relationship openly meet, date and sleep with other people – is scary to most people, especially those who have been taught that monogamy is the gold standard of love. 

For those looking to enter into a non-monogamous relationship from the get go, things are less tricky; you just need to find someone with the same beliefs around love and sex as you. 

But what if you’re already comfortably (and, for the most part, happily) in a long-term, historically monogamous relationship? 

Why might someone want to open up a long-term relationship?

It might feel wrong to want to meet new people after years of being with only one person, especially if you want to stay with that partner. But, says Jessica Alderson, a relationship expert and the co-founder of So Syncd, some people are simply happier when they are physically or emotionally intimate with more than one person.

‘We are all built differently and have different needs in relationships – non-monogamy is simply another preference,’ she tells Metro.co.uk. 

‘It could be that they are able to love more than one person at once or that they are looking to explore their sexuality in different ways.’

Essentially, there are hundreds of reasons why somebody might want to open up a relationship. Perhaps they’ve been with the same person since they were young, and haven’t had any real experience in the dating world. 

Another reason, says Jessica, ‘is that someone might have a specific fetish that their partner isn’t into.’

For others, she notes, it can be about having a sense of freedom.

What are the potential outcomes of asking to open up a relationship?

Feeling like you want to open a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s going to work for your partner. In fact, broaching the topic can be extremely detrimental to your relationship and their self-esteem, particularly if they don’t share your views on non-monogamy. 

‘There is a chance that you can cause irreparable damage to a relationship if your partner isn’t on the same page and feels strongly about monogamy,’ Jessica explains.

‘They may feel that they aren’t enough for you. 

‘However, if you’re in a healthy relationship with good communication, your partner should respect your needs and the fact that you want to openly discuss them.’

Of course, she adds, whether your partner is on board with the situation is ‘another story’.

If your partner isn’t into the idea, you’ll need to decide where you stand and what’s more important to you – them, or your own exploration (neither of which are the wrong answer). 

On the other hand, if your partner agrees, you might be able to find a new sense of happiness and fulfilment within your relationship, so long as all the details are ironed out and the approach feels right for both parties. 

‘If you are getting specific needs met that you wouldn’t otherwise, such as sexual exploration with multiple partners, you’ll likely feel more fulfilled,’ says Jessica. 

‘Additionally, non-monogamy can encourage a more honest relationship in which you openly discuss with your partner if you’re attracted to other people.’

But, you’ll never find out if you aren’t able to communicate your needs effectively and, importantly, respectfully. 

How to ask your long-term partner about opening up your relationship

Make sure it’s really what you want

Before you ask your partner how they feel about opening up your relationship, Jessica says, it’s vital that you are sure you’re certain that it’s what you really want. 

‘It’s a big decision,’ she says.

‘Be clear about why you want to open up your relationship so you can effectively communicate your reasons, and make sure that you aren’t trying to solve any issues that you have directly with your partner.’

Once you have done this, Jessica adds, you should bring up the topic when you’re both alone and have the time to chat things through properly. 

Be clear and respectful

It’s important to be respectful and validating when you finally broach this subject with your partner as, obviously, it can be extremely sensitive. 

‘You should start by saying how much you appreciate your partner and that you are committed to your relationship,’ says Jessica.

‘Then you can explain that for you, devotion doesn’t equate to fidelity and share your reasons for wanting to open up your relationship.’

She adds that you should be specific about the kind of situation you’re looking to get into – leaving things up to guesswork is where insecurities and miscommunication will begin to take hold. 

Give them time

‘There’s a possibility that they say yes or no straight away, but there’s a high chance that they’ll need time to process the information and work out how they feel about the situation,’ says Jessica.

This is likely not going to be a short, ten-minute chat and it’s may continue over a period of longer conversations, perhaps over days or even weeks.

It wouldn’t be fair to expect an unsuspecting partner to be completely open to discussing this from the get go, especially if, as Jessica says, they feel strongly about monogamy.

‘Be prepared to give them space to digest everything,’ she adds. 

Be supportive 

Finally, it’s important that you support your partner through processing the information in a non-judgemental and pragmatic way. 

‘Actively listen to your partner’s response and any questions they might have,’ says Jessica. 

‘It’s essential that you are non-judgmental, kind, and supportive towards your partner throughout the entire conversation. 

‘This helps to create a safe space where both of you can communicate openly without getting defensive.’

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

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