Ask Amy: Uninvited guest now feels disinvited

Dear Amy: I’d like your input regarding a family drama.

My sister and I have not been speaking to each other for quite a while.

My niece (her daughter) is getting married, and I reached out to this niece, saying that if it would cause unhappiness between her and her mother by inviting me to the wedding, I would understand if she chose not to issue the invitation to me.

Well, I just found out from family members that I am not being invited, however my niece didn’t call and let me know.

I am hurt that she didn’t take the time to let me know that I would not be invited to her wedding.

We have had a good relationship up until now.

My dilemma is that I am inclined not to send a gift for a wedding that I wasn’t invited to nor called about. What are your thoughts?

— Feeling Hurt in the South

Dear Feeling Hurt: Let’s recap.

You anticipated this issue by graciously letting your niece know that if it would cause problems for her or her mother to invite you to her wedding, you would understand.

Your niece took you up on this offer and did not invite you.

Normally, people don’t notify those who aren’t invited to a wedding. Their attention is focused on people who are invited.

Yes, it would have been thoughtful for your niece to risk having the awkward “as you suggested, you’re not invited to the wedding” conversation with you, but this bride is simply following your suggestion.

You are already estranged from your sister. You now harbor wounded feelings toward her daughter. This is how generational estrangements are perpetuated.

I think you should reclaim the spirit of your original offer, be the bigger person, and personally congratulate your niece after the wedding has taken place.

If you don’t want to give her a gift, you should send her a warmly written note, telling her that you were thinking about her on her special day, and that you’re looking forward to reconnecting with her in order to congratulate her in person.

Dear Amy: I recently went shopping for a wedding dress with my daughter. Upon her excited exclamation of “yes, to the dress,” we made our way to the purchase part of the day’s exciting shopping excursion.

Upon the swiping of the credit card, the machine prompted me to enter a 10 percent, 15 percent, 20 percent, or custom tip.

Had I been in a restaurant, this would not have given me pause.

But as we went through a similar process at a previous dress shop, upon which the same amount of time and service was extended to my daughter, we did not tip the previous consultant, as no purchase was made.

My question: Is tipping on a wedding dress purchase the thing to do these days?

It was not done when my parents purchased my dress.

— Confused Mother-of-the-Bride

Dear Confused: No, there is no need to tip a sales associate. Furthermore, you might have expressed your surprise to the store manager when this prompt appeared after you’d swiped your credit card.

Getting a customer to “say yes to the dress” is the sales person’s job. They do this job whether or not they make a sale, as you point out.

Presumably, sales people are either offered a commission on a sale, or are compensated well enough to incentivize them to provide good, helpful, and enthusiastic service.

All of these costs will already have been baked into the cost of the dress.

Some grateful brides-to-be send thank you notes to the salesperson who helped them to find their perfect dress. This would be a thoughtful gesture on your daughter’s part, which might also provide an additional professional boost to the person who made the sale.

Dear Amy: “Curious” had been invited to a large wedding event followed by a reception, then, a month before the wedding, received a postcard saying the ceremony would be private but the reception was still on.

I didn’t agree with your response.

I have been to at least two such wedding receptions where the couple had decided they wanted a private ceremony first, just including their immediate families. It never occurred to me to be offended; rather I felt like it reflected their intention to focus on their vows more privately.

I didn’t see a hint of trying to “shuffle the numbers.”

— Betty

Dear Betty: I agree with you about private weddings, but the concern here was that the couple had changed their plans mid-stream.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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