Welcome to video game quote history 101
Some of today’s video games far surpass the most successful movie blockbusters in terms of writing. That hasn’t always been the case, however. You probably know that, as movie fans who don’t care for games have never missed a chance to slam the medium’s once rather generalized shortcomings in terms of writing prowess. Still, that didn’t prevent video games from coming up with some — sometimes accidental — short literary masterpieces.
10. “They played us like a damn fiddle!” (Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, 2015)
Some catchphrases become legendary because they’re badass, but most achieve that status because they try to sound badass and fail.
Metal Gear Solid V is a very divisive entry in the franchise. On the one hand, it features the best gameplay in the series. On the other hand, it features some of its iffiest storytelling. This may have resulted from the lack of polish caused by the game’s abrupt development conclusion, but that’s fine as it also gave us some memorably bizarre moments.
The scene where Kazuhira Miller says “They played us like a damn fiddle!” shows gaming at its most hilariously over-dramatic. Sure, the lens flare-filled over-the-top direction and voice work help, but what’s definitely powering this up to 11 is the unintentionally funny word choice.
No other character in the game ever beats the chaotic rage we see in this very early scene — not even Miller himself after he loses both an arm and a leg and is subject to weeks in captivity.
9. “All your base are belong to us” (Zero Wing, 1989)
The video game medium has a secret roulette that randomly grants creators of absolute gibberish an everlasting spot in our collective consciousness. “All your base are belong to us”, the tentatively menacing words that CATS, the also not-very-scarily-named villain, utters at the start of Zero Wing, is the best possible example of the trend.
Back in the early aughts, the poorly translated dialogue became much larger than the game itself. This was one of the biggest memes at the dawn of the internet age, and it didn’t tempt anyone to play the game. Nobody cares about Zero Wing. How many of you even knew it was from Zero Wing? How many of you even know we’re joking?
Some of the most memorable phrases in video game history don’t come from masterful writing, but rather from an ill-fated attempt at it. “All your base are belong to us” rules because anyone can easily see it’s grammatically incorrect, but it still perfectly conveys the message. The message being video games don’t need plot when they have starships and lasers.
8. “Praise the sun!” (Dark Souls 2011)
The Dark Souls series invites players to a medieval land that has somehow found a way to put itself through an Apocalypse-like scenario. The world is in shambles, and so are its inhabitants. The happiest reaction we can expect to get out of most of the game’s NPCs is a lunatic fit of laughter.
That doesn’t apply to one man, however. The legendary Solaire Of Astora will always be there to help with his sword and even with a kind word when needed. “Praise the sun!” is his motto, one that no player traversing such sun-forsaken areas is likely to forget.
7. Nanomachines, Son! (Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, 2007)
The Metal Gear Solid series overused the once-fresh concept of nanomachines to explain whatever detail Kojima didn’t feel like coming up with a decent explanation for. Why is that sexy Flamenco-dancing vampire guy unkillable? Nanomachines. Why is Liquid Snake controlling Ocelot via a transplanted arm? He isn’t, in fact. Fans didn’t like that dumb plot element at all, so Kojima pulled a retcon and blamed a fake arm, hypnosis, and nanomachines for it.
You could make the case that the entire plot of MGS4 died due to a nanomachine overdose. For the game’s side sequel, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, nanomachines are a thing of the past. It’s all about cool cybernetic enhancements and cool robot dogs now.
It’s only near the end when we’re fighting a final boss who seems absolutely unbeatable, that Raiden asks what the hell his deal is. He receives a mega truth bomb: it’s been nanomachines all along.
That’s a beautiful surprise if there ever was one, and yet another moment when we’ll all feel like we’ve been played like a damn fiddle.
6. Toastyy (Mortal Kombat 2, 1993, and every entry from then on)
I bet you thought I’d be going for something like “Finish Him,” but I think that’s not even as catchy as “Fatality,” which, in turn, is just as catchy as “Brutality,” “Babality,” or even the “Friendship” finisher.
What I believe has stuck longer in the minds of MK fans the most is that guy who comes out of nowhere saying “toastyy!” in a beautiful falsetto. Am I wrong? Maybe, but then why is it that every once in a while, we’ll hear someone say it out of nowhere without that person even having a good explanation as to why they said that? Does the CIA mind control psyop MK-Ultra stand for Mortal Kombat-Ultra? We don’t know, though that would be an awesome name.
So who is that guy? Why is he saying that and why is that in the game? That’s one of MK’s designers, Dan Forden, and he says that when the game considers one of your uppercuts to be of extremely high quality.
Now, while we do have an explanation of where it came from, we still have no good explanation as to why that comedic easter egg exists in such a tentatively serious game. Everybody loves it, though — even the people who incorrectly believe Forden is actually saying “whoopsie”— so why not?
5. “Took an arrow to the knee” (Skyrim, 2011 and pretty much every year since)
I’m really, really sorry to have to remind you of this, but history isn’t just about the good parts. In fact, a quick search will reveal that most of human history is apparently pretty bleak, so be glad that this is one of the few really tired catchphrases that I’m putting here.
This catchphrase is the Anakin of memes, the one that brought hilarity for like a week after Skyrim came out, then became the most obnoxious meme festering all of the internet for the next 10 or so years of its existence. We know it, you know it, and neither party wants to talk or learn any more about it. Let’s move on.
4. “The cake is a lie” (Portal, 2007)
This is one of those quotes that grew far beyond its game of origin. That’s always quite the feat, especially when it comes from one of the greatest games of all time. If you’ve visited the internet at any point since the release of Portal back in ’07, it’s likely that you’ve seen this written somewhere. Bonus points if you saw it written in graffiti in a creepy alley.
I could say this is the good version of “all your base.” It’s the case of a simple yet enigmatic — and this time grammatically correct — phrase taking over the internet and enticing people to go in (Google) search of its meaning.
Luckily, this time around, the people following the breadcrumbs won’t find an unmemorable spaceship shooter like Zero Wing, but Portal, a revolutionary experience that’ll reveal an entirely new dimension of gaming.
I’d like to talk about the phrase’s meaning and about how well it ties to the plot of the actual game, but it’d be so much better for anyone reading this not knowing what I’m talking about to go play the game and enjoy that once-in-a-lifetime blast.
3. “Press F to pay respects” (Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare, 2014)
The success of the video game medium’s attempts at drama varies greatly. At one end of the spectrum, we have glorious stuff such as Gone Home. At the other end, we have Call Of Duty’s hilariously poor attempts at portraying grief. Once your friend dies fighting alongside you, the idea that pressing a single button at his funeral will encapsulate all the grief you’ll ever feel for your loss is just the most risible thing imaginable. We need more.
“Press F to pay respects” unintentionally became both an unforgettable meme and a lesson on how not to use the interactive means provided by games to convey drama. The backlash for this one raged so hilariously high that we’re surprised that Activision didn’t try to mend things by adding a trophy and achievement for having paid our respects.
Just kidding. Who would’ve expected such a tone-deaf move from a game made for teens that makes the military look cool and stars Kevin Spacey?
2. “All you had to do was follow the damn train, CJ!” (Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas 2004)
Not a single game in the Grand Theft Auto series has ever missed the mark since the glorious release of GTA 3 back in ’01. That, however, doesn’t mean every single mission in every single GTA game has been great. No better reminder of the series’ greatest failures than waking up in the middle of the night with a PTSD-induced nightmare of Big Smoke yelling at us for not being able to keep up with a regular-ass train.
Yes, we’re talking about the “Wrong Side of the Tracks” mission. What makes this hilarious is that yeah, Big Smoke is right, yeah, but not really. We really only had to keep up with the train as Smoke got rid of the enemies, yes, but the mission’s own randomness is oftentimes more than enough to prevent us from succeeding. Many attempts may be necessary even for good players, so don’t feel too bad if you think you might have heard this one way too many times. Also, Big Smoke sucks, so there’s that.
1. “I said I had a theoretical degree in physics” (Fallout: New Vegas, 2010)
We apologize for all the suffering, suffering that we hope hasn’t been in vain. When I said that some games feature excellent writing, that was the truth. Fallout: New Vegas is one of the best examples of that, and Fantastic’s quote regarding his dubious physics credentials isn’t just video game writing at its best — it’s writing at its best, period.
We could try to explain it further, but chances are that the people who know what I’m talking about already revere the writing in this game. Those who don’t are probably too busy laughing at it right now to process any more relevant information.
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